my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How does it feel to date your dad?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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