I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Hippo gnu deer
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
