no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
