You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just invented taco cereal.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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