How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
