Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
