woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
This is classic penis vs brain.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
