I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
