nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
