She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
