I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
