you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
