WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
