So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
