No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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