Your face is a jimmy john
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I yelled at your uterus for you.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
