while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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