she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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