This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
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