Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
