True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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