god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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