She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
