don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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