Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
