I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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