I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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