I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
