Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
