Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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