I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
