Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
