I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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