She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just google imaged poop.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
