made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
