So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
