This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
