Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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