He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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