So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
