Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
