At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
