Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
this is an emotional support booty call
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
