After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
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