For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
