do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
