i can't believe i had my finger in that
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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