you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
