Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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