if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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