I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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