Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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