I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
