We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We are two peas in an std pod
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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