my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
