Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just invented taco cereal.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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