I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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