"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize